shy

I'm still very shy in unfamiliar situations, and new people make me very nervous.  People overload is sort of my motto for bad days. . . but I can't really let them know me.  But now the same God who made me the way I am has given me two really good friends, people I can just sit around and do nothing with, or go and do everything with.  And they know me--really know me--and for once, that doesn't scare me. -The Queue I was in January


I was reading back over an old blog entry today.  Many things have changed since I wrote this. 


It's funny - the two friends I was referring to in the entry both made the same odd comment to me yesterday - they had noticed I've been acting more like a girl lately.  A girl! A girl?  I don't know.  It's possible.  One was suspicious of the influence of a certain someone.  The other was oblivious, but he had an aneurism when I told him about that someone. 


I'm floating around in a bit of a fog these days.  That I know is due to a certain someone - and I like it.  I'm not really clear on where I stand right now, but I figure God and I can get that sorted out soon.  Oh what a world this is, I do not understand it!  -Q

melancholy ridden, whiny, cheezy crap!

There's a kind of emptyness that can fill you . . .


   How is it I've managed to fill my life, yet again, with a bunch of activities and responsibilities?  I know better.  I am so drained.  I can't quit now, despite what my inner child tells me, there are dozens of people depending on me.  I've got the cast and crew of two, count them, two shows (in the end that's about 50 people).  Then there's my parents who are counting on me to do well in school - even when I don't care anymore.  I'm counting on me, and believe you me that's a lot of pressure. 


There's a kind of hunger that can eat you up . . .


     It's funny.  I volunteered to assistant stage manage the spring play because it wouldn't require much more time from me than I was already going to spend, and it would mean I could be backstage.  Then the stage manager had to quit, and all the sudden I'm superQ, I've got to get and keep everything organized for that show, while juggling a flaling attempt and childrens' theatre (where I am also stage managing, oops), and 17 credit hours that include 4 video projects, a dozen writing assignments, and a theatre tech and design class that is just shy of random.  I wanted this, I did . . .


There 's a cold and darker side of the moonlight . . .


     I know moonlight all too well, seeing as I see more of it than sunlight.  After the allure has worn thin, it does get a bit cold, when you're alone because all your friends have bedded down for the night, and you're still plugging away . . . all too familiar.


There's a lonely side of love.


     I'm not sure how I feel on this front - never been in love.  God's love is never lonely, except when I forget it's there, and unfortunately that happens. 


With you here, baby, I am strong, no sign of weakness . . .


With you gone, baby, I am hanging by a thread.


     Exactly, when I am all I care about, I hang . . . when I remember God and others, I am superQ, so long as God sees fit to empower me for this.


There's a certain kind of pain, that can numb you . . .


There's a type of freedom that can tie you down . . .


Sometimes the unexplained can define you . . .


Sometimes silence is the only sound.


    I have to leave those to stand alone, they work so well together.  That's kinda what I'm feeling now.  I love being the strong one - the one everyone comes to when they have a problem; and I HATE being seen as a weakling.  But always being the shoulder and never the cryer gets very tiring.  That's what gets me about not having anything more than a strong friendship - and by that I mean a "romantic relationship."  I'm always the strong one.  I've been told more than once that guys like to feel needed.  I should know, I understand them in that.  It's a catch 22 . . .


With you here, baby, I am strong, no sign of weakness . . .


With you gone, baby, I am hanging by a thread.


 


With you here, baby, I am strong, no sign of weakness . . .


With you gone, baby, I am hanging by a thread.


     I want to be vulnerable.  When the lack of sleep, the overcommittment, and the stresses of classes and projects get to be more than I can bare, I want someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me it'll be ok, even though I'm shaking with anxiety, or even crying (though that's pretty rare).  I want someone that I feel safe sharing that kind of weakness with, because the rest of the world doesn't exactly instill confidence that I'll be accepted.  I've got all kinds of places to escape to; I feel as if I need a person to escape to.  This isn't like me either, I'm generally fairly self reliant - and I try to be very God reliant.  So what's with this?  God give me strength!!


Ok, enough whining for one day.  Just getting all of that out makes me feel a ton better. 


On another note, I am reeling a bit from seeing The Passion.  Wow!  I've been milling around in Media stuff for nearly a year now, and I am wholly impressed and Gibsons mastery of the medium.  I know there are many who will disagree with me, but I think he did a great job of confining that which defies definition into an experience that shouldn't be missed.  I don't cry much, but the way he told the story of Christ's sacrifice I was forced to bawl my eyes out.  Someday, when I've processed a little more (and probably seen it again) I'll go into detail, but that's all I've got tonight.


Yeah, so I just read back over what I wrote, and wow, I think I'm a bit manic depressive tonight.  May God help me GET A GRIP!!